I lost my virginity when I was about 17 years old. It wasn’t the fairytale story of agreeing to “do it” with a long time childhood friend. I hadn’t exactly planned to wait that long either. For about a year or two before, I tried really hard to have sex. I was very shy you see. I was down to kissing and feeling up, but doing the actual thing seemed to require a bit more bravery. Fear of performance. Fear of the girl realising I didn’t know what I was doing. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head whenever I got close to actually getting down to it. I knew once I had sex I wouldn’t be the man. Before I actually did it I used to brag and lie that I had. I didn’t want to get labeled as a “small boy”. Little did they know that I used to get so scared I could hardly get it up cause of the panic.
When I eventually lost my virginity it was to a girl I didn’t know. I was sitting in an estate playing chess, when this girl with a nicely shaped ass walked past. As I stared in awe she turned and caught me staring. She smiled and carried on walking. While I went on with my game, a friend of mine came over with a slip of paper with an address written on it. Evidently the girl that walked past had written it down, with a message for me to come and meet her there.
This was it. This was my chance to have sex for the very first time. At the time I always went round with two condoms in my pocket. I never lost faith you see. That’s how badly I wanted to have sex.
It wasn’t anything special. The entire incident lasted about 3 minutes. We didn’t talk much. I came in the house, sat down and innocently asked why she wanted me to come over. She leaned over and started kissing me, with the 3 minutes of ecstasy beginning and ending on the sofa.
I left her house feeling like a man. In 3 minutes some kind of transformation had taken place. I wondered if I looked different; if people could see on my face that I had just had sex. It was a great feeling.
Prior to the incident a few years back I had been accidentally introduced to the joys of masturbation. I was having a shower when I began stroking myself; needless to say it felt good. Ejaculation took place, and that became a whole new different sport.
As a younger child I wasn’t really interested in women as such. It was all about sports. You were more likely to see me sweating on a field than sweating between the sheets. All of that changed.
I went to boarding school in England and was fully introduced to yet another vice to add to the growing collection. Pornography. Now that was a discovery that had a devastating effect on my life. Porn stars to me were like idols. “You mean they fuck women for a living and get paid?” “Why the hell isn’t that course on the syllabus?” It was a subject I was deeply interested in; it was like having sugar with my tea; that’s how masturbation mixed with porn for me.
After I finally had sex, I slept with the girl one last time. After then she moved to a different state and I never saw or heard from her again. Sex opened a completely new chapter in my life. I quite literally went mental.
Let me be real with you for a second. Im a good looking guy and I know it. There are few places I go to that I don’t stand out in a crowd. Women constantly check me out and hope that I will make the first move so they wouldn’t have to. All of a sudden I discovered a new kind of confidence. I started to see that women were actually shy when they spoke to me. It was like I had the same effect on them that they used to have on me; and I loved it. I couldn’t get enough of it. I quickly realised that younger girls were way too nervous and inexperienced, so I went for older women. A few girls I slept with made the mistake of telling me I was well endowed. That was another element to add to the list of things to feel arrogant about. It got so bad on my phone I kept pictures of my manhood, so that when girls went though it they could see that the rumours were true. What was there to be ashamed about? I was living the dream. I decided to take it one step further, and so I began working out. Being fine wasn’t enough; I wanted to be sexy too.
In 5 years I’ve slept with over 30 women. In some circles that would be considered pretty impressive. But in reality it’s pretty damn disgusting. When youre good looking being popular is easy. I get emails from girls saying they’ve heard about me and want to meet me. The translation of that being “hi I want to sleep with you”. Some say exactly that without batting an eyelid. You might think im exaggerating, but the truth is im playing it down a bit. As far as I was concerned, I was God’s gift to women. I was living the life. I wasn’t going to stop until I was ready to settle down. Till then, I was gonna have fun.
I haven’t always been faithful. Na. Far from it. I just cant get myself to trust women. Ive slept with so many guys girlfriends that the concept of trust became ridiculous. Who is fooling who? Why should I commit myself to a woman when I know in all probability shes giving it up to some guy behind my back?
When I was 20 my life style caught up with me. I had a daughter with a girl I was seeing. It wasn’t a mistake like a lot of people might assume. It was a deliberate decision that went something along the lines of “fuck it, lets keep the baby”, though said in a slightly more romantic manner. At the time when all this was happening I was going through some kind of transition. To cut a long story short….i met God. It wasn’t like I went through an altar call and became born again and all of that other Christian stuff. This was graphic. It happened in such a way that I just couldn’t refute his existence anymore. But ill save the details of the incident for another day. Bottom line. The relationship between my daughters mom and I couldn’t work. We were both growing in different directions. I was no longer the care free, spontaneous bad boy. I became serious, deep and thoughtful. We just weren’t compatible. A child is definitely not a good enough reason to remain in a relationship.
Since then a number of things have happened. My perception of relationships has changed, and the things I value are completely different. Yet I discovered that I have a problem……Women.
I had no control. The control I had was limited to if I found the girl attractive or not. I haven’t been rejected that often in my life. I was like a spoilt kid who generally got what he wanted, depending on if I could be bothered to put in the time. Some girls take longer than others.
Let me tell you a secret. You want to know if you’re addicted to something? Try and stop. Sometimes that’s the only way you can realise the truth about yourself. I was hooked. I was hooked on sex and masturbation. Pornography made it worse because it reminded me of what I would be missing. Its not a lie, women come in different colours, shapes and sizes. They became like objects to me; I didn’t have to treat them that way in order to see them that way. I realised all of a sudden that I didn’t really have any female friends. All the girls I knew either fancy me, ive kissed, fondled or slept with, or I just didn’t find them attractive. I couldn’t find the balance between being charming and flirting. It didn’t even matter if the woman was twice my age or married. That only made the conquest more interesting.
I tried to stop. I scratched all my porn cd’s to bits so I wouldn’t watch them. Masturbation was harder though. Being in a relationship helped cause it focused my attention more on one person. I thought that until I realised I couldn’t base a relationship on sex. Sex has a way of blinding you to a lot of things. Fantastic sex can paint a picture of a perfect relationship. Sex after an argument always seems to sort out the issue… or does it?
Let me tell you something. Ive said a lot of intimate details about myself in this note. Im not ashamed of it, neither am I arrogant about it. Im just being real with you. Its left for you to choose to identify with what I say. But let me stretch things a bit further. Im in a relationship now. In fact this is probably one of the most uncomfortable notes that my girl will ever have to read. But that doesn’t take away from its relevance. The truth is I love the girl. My definition of love has changed so much over the last two years that im pretty certain im on the right track. My love for her doesn’t take away the corrupt nature in myself that I have cultivated over the years. Im not going to wake up one day and suddenly discover that I find no other women attractive. Ive fought with God so many times over the issue of women. He’s warned me countless times. There was a day I told him point blank that I was going to sleep with a girl and that he would have to do something pretty graphic to stop me. That night I got a phone call from my parents in Nigeria. My old man had been sitting at his computer when a message typed itself across the screen. He called me at 3am to tell me specifically, “God said I should tell you to stop having sex with…..” He said the person by name. A pretty awkward conversation to have in the middle of the night; far too dramatic to ignore. But it’s amazing how easy it is to forget about God when you want to do something. Its so easy to just block him out for the sake of a few hours of pleasure.
Ive been talking to myself a lot about women lately. Even when I decide to keep away from them, they still come to me. But the issue really isn’t about them, its about me. I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about this issue. I discovered that this is an issue that lasts a lifetime. A decision takes place in a day; but after that comes a series of other decisions. My friend called it “side stepping pussy”. It might be a vulgar statement, but sometimes that’s what it takes to ring a message home. He deliberately refuses to look at attractive women. A good looking girl walks past and you just decide that you’re not going to look back. You can’t always help what comes in front of your eyes. But you can train your mind to react a certain way. You can take a decision to ignore what you consider to be pleasurable.
I’ve realised that I don’t need to have a ring on my finger to see my girlfriend as my wife. I wouldn’t be with her in the first place if I didn’t see her as the kind of girl I want to spend my life with. I have to start acting a certain way now rather than expecting things will change when I eventually get married. I can never picture my old man flirting or checking out women’s bums. It just wouldn’t happen. Yet I do it without thinking twice about it. In fact on some occasions an entire conversation can follow simply on the basis of how nice some girls ass is. Yup, that’s what guys talk about. Yet the reality is if I continue to let my mind wonder, I will continue to be perverted. Married or not.
Everyone at the back of their mind has a vague idea of what they want. But the truth is not everyone is prepared to live up to it. My biggest desire is to have eyes for just one woman. I want my girl to trust me to the point of stupidity. Knowing that I wouldn’t even “look” the other way, let alone sleep with another woman. Can I be that guy? The truth is I can if I want to be. I don’t have to fall in the same category as other men; being labeled as liars, cheats and dogs. I can make a decision every day of my life to live up to my own expectations. The past is only there to be learnt from. What about today? What about now? What am I doing this very moment to ensure that I become the person that I want to be? Wanting is not enough. Some people want things for their entire life but never get it. The truth behind that is; they never really wanted it.
I watched a film the other day for the first time. It was called “I think I love my wife”. My first thought was, “your wife?” “You think you love your wife?” “Surly you must love your wife, I mean, she’s your wife!” But ironically that isn’t always the case. Saying you love someone and loving someone are two completely different things. Love by definition is practical. It comes with actions that portray certain things. Love is not abstract in any shape or form; which is why I can identify with the description of God as love. Its not about faith, hope and unfounded expectations. Its either there or it isn’t. You either show love or you don’t. There’s no middle ground to a lot of things in life. Most things are black and white.
Let me tell you something deep. One day you will wake up and realise something. Life is so much more than the fulfillment of a desire. Ive let desire control me and lead me to all kinds of unnecessary places. For me I had to learn that way. But I believe a wise man learns from other people’s mistakes. I made the mistake of thinking life was about having sex and having fun. That led me to build all kinds of things in my subconscious. Whether I admit it or not I was a slut. Yeh guys can be that too you know, despite what society tells you. A few days ago I woke up and made a decision. I’m going to give myself completely to my girl. Like I said… I don’t need a ring on my finger to see her as my wife. If I don’t take the risk how will I ever get the kind of relationship I want. A relationship that is built on trust rather than suspicion. I have this image of what I want and what I want to be. Yet why do I never do it? Why is it always tomorrow and later on… what about now? True I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. True I don’t know if things will work out exactly as I plan them. But I can deal with now. Tomorrow can worry about itself. Ill cross the bridge of tomorrow when I get there. There’s still the bridge of now, today and the next few minutes to deal with.
The truth is life is all about decisions. We make decisions every moment of our lives, every day, whether we realise it or not. The decisions you take affect who you are right now. Forget tomorrow and last night. Now is so much more important. Its all about taking a decision to be who you are now. Because who you are now, is quite frankly; who you are.