Tag Archives: women


Portrait of an Unknown Lady, Oil on Panel, 33 ...

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It is almost an impossible challenge to attempt to describe a Nigerian woman without a sudden sense of fear gripping my fingers.

Even though there are only words in front of me, I can’t help but see hundreds of Nigerian female faces staring down at me too; their eyes shouting “oya talk now!”, daring me to say something that they might not like to hear.

As I nervously proceed I am reminded of the level of aggression that Nigerian women seem to have. They carry with them an unmissable attitude that only be accurately described with the phrase “you know the p”.

They are an extreemly expressive breed. Their emotions are worn distinctly on their faces, and they are never too shy to let you know exactly what they think.

An arguement with a Nigerian woman is a memorable experience.  With vigourous sucking of teeth and rapid tongue movements they are capable of cutting the proudest man down to size, regardless of if the scene is a wedding or a funeral.

They are extreemly opinionated, ready to argue their cause in a single volatile breath. Strong willed, and with an ambitious mind set. Refusing to be taken advantage of by anyone or any situation.

A Nigerian woman is a woman that you would rather have on your side, than against you.

English women are a much softer species. The power of words cuts deep into their sensitive hearts, because they hold on so dearly to what other people think of them.

Their love of all things cosmetic has made them more superficial than most; eagerly latching on to the hypnotic allure that celebrities provide.

They are always up for a laugh and spontaneous activities that involve adventure, entertainment, and the occasional abuse of a barely legal substance.

Women of England are very submissive, which is not to say they lack an opinion, but they are less willing to get into a battle to prove their stance. Their traditional mindset enables them to have a high tolerance for insensitive men, and men being men often abuse this vulnurable trait. Nevertheless they are overwhelmingly affectionate, making the most of every opportunity to kiss, stroke or caress their significant other, totally blocking out the external world and living only in the “moment”.

Nigerian and English women are truly quite different from each other, certainly in the general sense. I’m sorry to say though that when it comes to men both societies seem to have the wrong idea about relationships. A Nigerian woman primarily wants a man who has some form of “status” in society. Money and the things it brings are very much at the center of their romantic mindset; the bigger the gifts the more love they show to their partner. The English have a much clearer perspective on the internal attributes of love, but they often settle for less in the short term, hanging on to the hope that over time the things they don’t like will somehow change for the better.

Its true. Its much easier to notice the negative attributes of people, and pay no attention to whatever positivity lies within; but often much can be learnt when we are able to see things for what they are.

Nigerian women need to learn that the extent of their love cannot be based on the size of a paycheck. They need to embrace a bit of the softness that the English posses, because patience is indeed a virtue. The English need to develop a better sense of who they are. If self esteem is limited to what others say and do, they are in for a rocky ride through life.

Describing a woman of any culture is a difficult task. For my own safety i must emphasise that my perceptions are limited to my own experience of both societies. On an individual level i have met many exceptions to the general rule, and if you are reading this right now and you know who i am, then you are most certainly that exception.



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Posted by on August 4, 2011 in TRUTH


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Diagram of a comparison between a normal heavi...

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It wasn’t just inside me, it was in front of me. An unflattering protrusion that I couldn’t help but carry along wherever I went. This alien life form that I had never seen had been inhabiting my body for 9 months. I could feel it moving around, stretching its arms and legs like it owned the place.

The due date as it was called had all been a lie. My excitement and anticipation was replaced by frustration and anxiety. A slight preview of what it would be like dawned on me when I had my first “contraction”. Such a sophisticated word used to describe a pain that I didn’t have the vocabulary for. My insides felt like a pair of jeans being squeezed hard enough to get all the water out. If this was what giving birth was going to be like, I knew at that moment that I wasn’t ready for it. The pain went on and off for 2 hours. If there was no pause in between, death would have been a much more satisfying option.

A week later, I couldn’t sleep. I had been up all night with these so called contractions for company. It was 6 am and I knew that if this wasn’t the “time” and if what I was experiencing wasnt labour, this thing inside me was just gonna have to stay in there.

I don’t remember much about the journey to the hospital. In between regular intervals of pain there was little room for thought, and my stomach was clearly out of room too. I didn’t want to be touched, I was fed up of being surrounded by sympathetic voices assuring me that “I would be okay”. My only definition of “okayness” involved getting my body back, preferably without the pain.

I felt like i needed to poo, but i couldn’t for fear that the baby would come out in the process. Not exactly the welcome to the world scenario a mother would envision for her child, and the nurse informed me that this had indeed happened before; yeh thanks for telling me that.

I stood up. I sat down. I sucked on gas that was meant to take the pain away, but it made lilttle difference as the pain became more frequent and severe. I walked into the bathroom and walked out again. I was cold. I was hot. Sitting, standing or lying down wasn’t comfotable. The nurse every so often held a gadget to my stomach and kept reporting that from my unborn child’s heart beat she could tell that it was happy. It had better be happy. I certainly wasnt gonna go through all this pain for he/she to come out angry. If it did we would be in for our first arguement.

I stood up once more and felt a splash between my feet as my bodily fluids made their way down my thighs. My water had broken; this was it. “Push, breathe, push, push, breathe, push”. My life had been reduced to my ability to obey two words that would ordinarily have come naturally. It was one final push that brought a familiar stranger into a room that immediately transformed from frustration to excitement.

I carried her in my arms and stared deeply into her barely open eyes. It was at that moment that i knew. Joy is a different kind of pain.


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Posted by on August 1, 2011 in TRUTH


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RADICAL DISCUSSIONS: Do Women Need Make-up Or Any Other Form Of Cosmetic Enhancement?

Model Alek Wek.

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Welcome once again to radical discussions, where Femi A and Femi J have a series of arguments about various controversial and life changing topics. The rules of war are simple – we both choose a side and the debate begins.

Feel free to join in, but we do warn you that this battle ground is only for the open minded.

Now that we have our usual introduction out of the way, let’s jump into the discussion:

Do women need make-up or any other form of cosmetic enhancement? 

My answer to this is no. What exactly do women ‘need’ make up for? While i can understand a few of the reasons why women use make up – insecurity, beauty enhancement, peer pressure, to find a man etc, none of these reasons are substantial enough when one analyses the nature of make-up itself.

What i find most interesting about make-up, is the fact that most women that wear it would have a problem if their 5 year old daughter uses it. So i ask, why is that? What is it about the nature of make-up that is so popularly accepted amongst adults, yet when it comes to allowing its use freely amongst kids there is all of a sudden a problem. The few things i know that fall under this category are things like alcohol, cigarrettes, restricted films, clubbing etc, where it is accepted that these items can be used only when one “becomes of age” – sitting amongst this category of elements, we find make-up.

Clearly there must be some sort of sinister element to it, if the general public would find it strange to see toddlers wearing make up. I can only assume that this is because it would attract the wrong kind of attention and it will illustrate that the childs focus is on the wrong things.

During the course of this discussion i hope to shed more light on the fickle nature of make-up, the problems with it, as well as explore plastic surgery and other more interesting forms of cosmetic enhancement in order to prove to you that these things are not only unnecessary, but they actually do more harm than good.

Femi J – Your move 🙂

Readers can join in the conversation or vote below:



Posted by on July 29, 2011 in RADICAL DISCUSSIONS, THOUGHTS


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20070526 - party @ Jason & Anna's - IMG_2271 -...

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I must say from a man’s perspective that it is becoming more and more difficult to look a woman in the eye. Women make such an effort for other bits and pieces to be noticed that men can really only be blamed for this to a certain degree.

It has to be a deliberate strategy on some level, and it must be fairly effective given the rate at which the young are catching on to the technique.

Neatly packaged objects of attention are a common sight on our streets, casually longing to be noticed so that their efforts don’t go unrewarded.

The men no longer feel the need to practice restraint, after all they are simply responding to a stimulus that has been deliberately created.

One might say there is little that can be learnt from a woman’s cleavage, regardless of how compelling it might be. Yet it is in times like these that we realise; eyes are not the only things competing for our attention.

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Posted by on May 24, 2011 in THOUGHTS


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I lost my virginity when I was about 17 years old. It wasn’t the fairytale story of agreeing to “do it” with a long time childhood friend. I hadn’t exactly planned to wait that long either. For about a year or two before, I tried really hard to have sex. I was very shy you see. I was down to kissing and feeling up, but doing the actual thing seemed to require a bit more bravery. Fear of performance. Fear of the girl realising I didn’t know what I was doing. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head whenever I got close to actually getting down to it. I knew once I had sex I wouldn’t be the man. Before I actually did it I used to brag and lie that I had. I didn’t want to get labeled as a “small boy”. Little did they know that I used to get so scared I could hardly get it up cause of the panic.

When I eventually lost my virginity it was to a girl I didn’t know. I was sitting in an estate playing chess, when this girl with a nicely shaped ass walked past. As I stared in awe she turned and caught me staring. She smiled and carried on walking. While I went on with my game, a friend of mine came over with a slip of paper with an address written on it. Evidently the girl that walked past had written it down, with a message for me to come and meet her there.

This was it. This was my chance to have sex for the very first time. At the time I always went round with two condoms in my pocket. I never lost faith you see. That’s how badly I wanted to have sex.

It wasn’t anything special. The entire incident lasted about 3 minutes. We didn’t talk much. I came in the house, sat down and innocently asked why she wanted me to come over. She leaned over and started kissing me, with the 3 minutes of ecstasy beginning and ending on the sofa.

I left her house feeling like a man. In 3 minutes some kind of transformation had taken place. I wondered if I looked different; if people could see on my face that I had just had sex. It was a great feeling.

Prior to the incident a few years back I had been accidentally introduced to the joys of masturbation. I was having a shower when I began stroking myself; needless to say it felt good. Ejaculation took place, and that became a whole new different sport.

As a younger child I wasn’t really interested in women as such. It was all about sports. You were more likely to see me sweating on a field than sweating between the sheets. All of that changed.

I went to boarding school in England and was fully introduced to yet another vice to add to the growing collection. Pornography. Now that was a discovery that had a devastating effect on my life. Porn stars to me were like idols. “You mean they fuck women for a living and get paid?” “Why the hell isn’t that course on the syllabus?” It was a subject I was deeply interested in; it was like having sugar with my tea; that’s how masturbation mixed with porn for me.

After I finally had sex, I slept with the girl one last time. After then she moved to a different state and I never saw or heard from her again. Sex opened a completely new chapter in my life. I quite literally went mental.

Let me be real with you for a second. Im a good looking guy and I know it. There are few places I go to that I don’t stand out in a crowd. Women constantly check me out and hope that I will make the first move so they wouldn’t have to. All of a sudden I discovered a new kind of confidence. I started to see that women were actually shy when they spoke to me. It was like I had the same effect on them that they used to have on me; and I loved it. I couldn’t get enough of it. I quickly realised that younger girls were way too nervous and inexperienced, so I went for older women. A few girls I slept with made the mistake of telling me I was well endowed. That was another element to add to the list of things to feel arrogant about. It got so bad on my phone I kept pictures of my manhood, so that when girls went though it they could see that the rumours were true. What was there to be ashamed about? I was living the dream. I decided to take it one step further, and so I began working out. Being fine wasn’t enough; I wanted to be sexy too.

In 5 years I’ve slept with over 30 women. In some circles that would be considered pretty impressive. But in reality it’s pretty damn disgusting. When youre good looking being popular is easy. I get emails from girls saying they’ve heard about me and want to meet me. The translation of that being “hi I want to sleep with you”. Some say exactly that without batting an eyelid. You might think im exaggerating, but the truth is im playing it down a bit. As far as I was concerned, I was God’s gift to women. I was living the life. I wasn’t going to stop until I was ready to settle down. Till then, I was gonna have fun.

I haven’t always been faithful. Na. Far from it. I just cant get myself to trust women. Ive slept with so many guys girlfriends that the concept of trust became ridiculous. Who is fooling who? Why should I commit myself to a woman when I know in all probability shes giving it up to some guy behind my back?

When I was 20 my life style caught up with me. I had a daughter with a girl I was seeing. It wasn’t a mistake like a lot of people might assume. It was a deliberate decision that went something along the lines of “fuck it, lets keep the baby”, though said in a slightly more romantic manner. At the time when all this was happening I was going through some kind of transition. To cut a long story short….i met God. It wasn’t like I went through an altar call and became born again and all of that other Christian stuff. This was graphic. It happened in such a way that I just couldn’t refute his existence anymore. But ill save the details of the incident for another day. Bottom line. The relationship between my daughters mom and I couldn’t work. We were both growing in different directions. I was no longer the care free, spontaneous bad boy. I became serious, deep and thoughtful. We just weren’t compatible. A child is definitely not a good enough reason to remain in a relationship.

Since then a number of things have happened. My perception of relationships has changed, and the things I value are completely different. Yet I discovered that I have a problem……Women.

I had no control. The control I had was limited to if I found the girl attractive or not. I haven’t been rejected that often in my life. I was like a spoilt kid who generally got what he wanted, depending on if I could be bothered to put in the time. Some girls take longer than others.

Let me tell you a secret. You want to know if you’re addicted to something? Try and stop. Sometimes that’s the only way you can realise the truth about yourself. I was hooked. I was hooked on sex and masturbation. Pornography made it worse because it reminded me of what I would be missing. Its not a lie, women come in different colours, shapes and sizes. They became like objects to me; I didn’t have to treat them that way in order to see them that way. I realised all of a sudden that I didn’t really have any female friends. All the girls I knew either fancy me, ive kissed, fondled or slept with, or I just didn’t find them attractive. I couldn’t find the balance between being charming and flirting. It didn’t even matter if the woman was twice my age or married. That only made the conquest more interesting.

I tried to stop. I scratched all my porn cd’s to bits so I wouldn’t watch them. Masturbation was harder though. Being in a relationship helped cause it focused my attention more on one person. I thought that until I realised I couldn’t base a relationship on sex. Sex has a way of blinding you to a lot of things. Fantastic sex can paint a picture of a perfect relationship. Sex after an argument always seems to sort out the issue… or does it?

Let me tell you something. Ive said a lot of intimate details about myself in this note. Im not ashamed of it, neither am I arrogant about it. Im just being real with you. Its left for you to choose to identify with what I say. But let me stretch things a bit further. Im in a relationship now. In fact this is probably one of the most uncomfortable notes that my girl will ever have to read. But that doesn’t take away from its relevance. The truth is I love the girl. My definition of love has changed so much over the last two years that im pretty certain im on the right track. My love for her doesn’t take away the corrupt nature in myself that I have cultivated over the years. Im not going to wake up one day and suddenly discover that I find no other women attractive. Ive fought with God so many times over the issue of women. He’s warned me countless times. There was a day I told him point blank that I was going to sleep with a girl and that he would have to do something pretty graphic to stop me. That night I got a phone call from my parents in Nigeria. My old man had been sitting at his computer when a message typed itself across the screen. He called me at 3am to tell me specifically, “God said I should tell you to stop having sex with…..” He said the person by name. A pretty awkward conversation to have in the middle of the night; far too dramatic to ignore. But it’s amazing how easy it is to forget about God when you want to do something. Its so easy to just block him out for the sake of a few hours of pleasure.

Ive been talking to myself a lot about women lately. Even when I decide to keep away from them, they still come to me. But the issue really isn’t about them, its about me. I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about this issue. I discovered that this is an issue that lasts a lifetime. A decision takes place in a day; but after that comes a series of other decisions. My friend called it “side stepping pussy”. It might be a vulgar statement, but sometimes that’s what it takes to ring a message home. He deliberately refuses to look at attractive women. A good looking girl walks past and you just decide that you’re not going to look back. You can’t always help what comes in front of your eyes. But you can train your mind to react a certain way. You can take a decision to ignore what you consider to be pleasurable.

I’ve realised that I don’t need to have a ring on my finger to see my girlfriend as my wife. I wouldn’t be with her in the first place if I didn’t see her as the kind of girl I want to spend my life with. I have to start acting a certain way now rather than expecting things will change when I eventually get married. I can never picture my old man flirting or checking out women’s bums. It just wouldn’t happen. Yet I do it without thinking twice about it. In fact on some occasions an entire conversation can follow simply on the basis of how nice some girls ass is. Yup, that’s what guys talk about. Yet the reality is if I continue to let my mind wonder, I will continue to be perverted. Married or not.

Everyone at the back of their mind has a vague idea of what they want. But the truth is not everyone is prepared to live up to it. My biggest desire is to have eyes for just one woman. I want my girl to trust me to the point of stupidity. Knowing that I wouldn’t even “look” the other way, let alone sleep with another woman. Can I be that guy? The truth is I can if I want to be. I don’t have to fall in the same category as other men; being labeled as liars, cheats and dogs. I can make a decision every day of my life to live up to my own expectations. The past is only there to be learnt from. What about today? What about now? What am I doing this very moment to ensure that I become the person that I want to be? Wanting is not enough. Some people want things for their entire life but never get it. The truth behind that is; they never really wanted it.

I watched a film the other day for the first time. It was called “I think I love my wife”. My first thought was, “your wife?” “You think you love your wife?” “Surly you must love your wife, I mean, she’s your wife!” But ironically that isn’t always the case. Saying you love someone and loving someone are two completely different things. Love by definition is practical. It comes with actions that portray certain things. Love is not abstract in any shape or form; which is why I can identify with the description of God as love. Its not about faith, hope and unfounded expectations. Its either there or it isn’t. You either show love or you don’t. There’s no middle ground to a lot of things in life. Most things are black and white.

Let me tell you something deep. One day you will wake up and realise something. Life is so much more than the fulfillment of a desire. Ive let desire control me and lead me to all kinds of unnecessary places. For me I had to learn that way. But I believe a wise man learns from other people’s mistakes. I made the mistake of thinking life was about having sex and having fun. That led me to build all kinds of things in my subconscious. Whether I admit it or not I was a slut. Yeh guys can be that too you know, despite what society tells you. A few days ago I woke up and made a decision. I’m going to give myself completely to my girl. Like I said… I don’t need a ring on my finger to see her as my wife. If I don’t take the risk how will I ever get the kind of relationship I want. A relationship that is built on trust rather than suspicion. I have this image of what I want and what I want to be. Yet why do I never do it? Why is it always tomorrow and later on… what about now? True I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. True I don’t know if things will work out exactly as I plan them. But I can deal with now. Tomorrow can worry about itself. Ill cross the bridge of tomorrow when I get there. There’s still the bridge of now, today and the next few minutes to deal with.

The truth is life is all about decisions. We make decisions every moment of our lives, every day, whether we realise it or not. The decisions you take affect who you are right now. Forget tomorrow and last night. Now is so much more important. Its all about taking a decision to be who you are now. Because who you are now, is quite frankly; who you are.

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Posted by on April 24, 2011 in TRUTH


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A man lifts his shirt up to expose his well-de...

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1. Men are logical. Most of the things they do are based on deliberate decisions that made sense at the time. They have a tendency to leave emotions out of issues and deal with things with a stiff upper lip. Often conflicts arise because women perceive logic in certain scenarios as a lack of emotion; though in truth, the man just can’t see the point in crying over something he can’t change, so he doesn’t.

2. Men want to feel in control. Often it doesn’t matter if they are, just as long as they “feel” in control, they will be satisfied. Feeling in control provides a man with a sense of confidence, which he needs in order to function. The truth is, most women control men. Some know it, but they would never admit it.

3. Men are proud. It takes a lot to get a man to admit to doing something wrong. Sometimes even when the man knows he is wrong, he will argue just to save face. Women need to recognize this and play around it, feeding his ego from time to time. But be careful, there’s nothing more annoying than a man who thinks he is too big for his own shoes.

4. Men by instinct see themselves as the provider. They feel threatened when their woman is completely independent. They like to feel that the woman is dependent on them in some way shape or form, not necessarily on a financial level. A good approach for a woman would be to tone down her successes, rather than shove them in his face.

5. Men tend to forget details. Their perception of what is important is completely different from that of a woman. A man is not likely to remember a “6 month anniversary”, or what a woman was wearing during a party. They may even forget their wife’s birthday if it happens to fall during a period of high distractions. As a woman, don’t be upset; it’s not always because he doesn’t care enough, sometimes, when you scale a mans priorities in general, the weight of certain elements is much less than you think.

6. Men tend to miss the little things. This connects with the lack of attention to detail. As a woman you spend a lot of hours doing your nails or shaping your eyebrows. These are things that that men rarely notice, so they are not likely to make a comment about it, unless it has been previously rehearsed. Ironically though, these are things that men tend to notice, when they are “not” done.

7. Men find it hard to open up. It’s not so much that they don’t want to; they are worried about the fact that opening up makes them vulnerable. Opening up exposes them to potential heart break, something that men find much harder to handle, even though on the surface it seems like men handle it better.

8. Men can’t help but look. This is something women often fail to understand. Women possess features that are arousing, which is much less of an issue the other way around. Not that its an excuse; because men need to learn to control their eyes; especially when they are with their significant other. But women need to understand that we live in a society where other women do a lot of interesting things in order to get noticed. Its important to note; just because a man looks, doesn’t mean he would rather be with the other woman than with you.

9. Men are possessive. Their ideal situation would be to have a woman who has no contact with men. The reality though, is men secretly like it if other men find their partner attractive. It feeds the pride element we discussed earlier. As much as they enjoy the envy associated with them, they will sometimes go over the top to prevent their partner from being taken away, even when the threat doesn’t exist.

10. Men are authoritative. They want things done how they want and when they want, even when this approach is not the most practical. They want women to follow instructions, and this often leads them to forcibly try and change the woman. Its often not as deliberate as women might think, but the manner in which it is expressed brings out a stubborn attribute in women. It doesn’t help that men are stubborn either. A woman needs to understand the authoritative nature of a man and make an effort to be tolerant towards certain aggressive attributes. Men have a perception of being “manly” that often masks who they truly are. Behind it all, men are just doing all they can to hang on to their women.

In truth, men are just as complicated as women, if not more. The problem is women often create an image of a man in their heads and fail to differentiate one man from the other. Men are indeed different from one another, even though they may have similar founding principles. The problem with men is the fact that they try too hard to be “men”, rather than just be themselves. Women, don’t let that be a hindrance. Once you break through that barrier, you will find all the man you need.




Posted by on April 7, 2011 in TRUTH


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